How to deal with red flags in a relationship that isn’t yours
When done right, friendship is a mutually beneficial dynamic in which both parties want to enjoy each other’s company and see the other grow, prosper and achieve their dreams. This is a sweet and tender connection with someone, but like all good things, it takes work. Friendship isn’t always easy, but it’s usually worth striving for.
Even if it doesn’t seem like it at first, telling your boyfriend that you’re worried about him can be a tricky task. When people hear that someone cares about them, they can feel extremely vulnerable, and most people don’t respond to vulnerability in productive or gentle ways. That alone can strain a friendship.
And if you add another volatile element, e.g. For example, telling a friend that the source of your concerns is some red flags in a relationship they’re in, the stakes get even higher. Romance is an aspect of life with so much cultural pressure that people still tend to react badly to it.
Fortunately, there are a few ways to strategically manage this situation. Hopefully, by approaching the conversation cautiously, you can make it easier for everyone involved when you decide to tell a friend you’re concerned about their well-being because of the red flags in their relationship.
Consider your motivations
First, take some time to reflect on your own feelings. It’s important to think about whether you really care about your boyfriend or whether you just don’t like his partner. It can be difficult to understand why a friend chooses a partner you don’t like, but it’s important that your friends feel supported by you, even if you don’t understand or agree with their choices. Spend time analyzing whether the things you see are real red flags in a relationship or if this person is just irritating you.
A good exercise that can help you combat confirmation bias is to challenge yourself to find something positive in your friend’s partner. This will help you be more empathetic and may help you better understand your friend’s perspective. Not liking your friend’s partner is tough, but it’s ultimately different from alerting a friend to red flags in one of their relationships. If you’re having a really hard time saying this, you can also get an outside perspective from someone with insight, whether it’s a therapist or a spiritual guide like a love medium.
Starting the conversation about red flags in a relationship
If you’re still genuinely worried about your friend after you’ve stopped thinking about it, then the next step is to find a time to connect with them personally. Doing this in person is ideal, but if that’s not an option, a video call or phone call will also work. The only method of communication you should avoid is text. Text is risky because there are many elements of communication that cannot be identified through text, including tone of voice, body language, and pacing, among many other things.
Try to start your conversation with open-ended questions. For example, you could ask your friend how their partner is doing or how they feel about the relationship. When they start talking about things that concern you, ask them some more specific questions about those details – did she share her feelings with her partner? If yes, how did it go? If not, do you want that? Why?
Do not hesitate to share your opinion immediately. Saying right away that you’ve spotted red flags in a relationship they’re in might just overwhelm them. Instead, give your friend space to expand on their experiences and feelings. Try to get a clearer picture of what support they may need and what headspace they are in.
Make it easy to share your thoughts
As you learn more about the situation, try to reflect on your understanding. You can say things like “You seem confused” or “You seem unsure” depending on how they describe their situation. If you’re concerned that your friend is feeling restricted, you can always precede what you say with disclaimers like “Correct me if I’m wrong” or “I might be wrong here…”.
This is an especially important tactic because if you use harsh language that may make your friend’s partner appear judgmental, they are likely to feel compelled to defend their partner. That can get in the way of your long-term goal of helping them spot the red flags in a relationship they’re in, as it actually strengthens the relationship in their mind rather than making them question it.
At this point, try to assess whether your friend is in the right frame of mind to hear your opinion. If it seems like a good idea, go ahead and gently offer your thoughts. Try using phrases like “I’m a little worried about you” or “That doesn’t sound like the best situation.” This is the time to share that you think your boyfriend is experiencing some red flags in a relationship. However, do not call your partner by name or tell them how to proceed. While your intentions may be good, your friend is feeling tender right now. Such intense explanations can do more harm than good.
The exception here is when you think your friend is in danger. In this case, you should still choose your words carefully, but you may want to include slightly stronger messages, such as “I’m worried about you. I don’t want you to get hurt.” You can also try to find a way to gently ask if they’ve thought about what leaving the relationship might look like and if they need help or support with it.
Treat yourself with compassion too
Remember that your friend may not take your advice and that is out of your control. As long as you’ve done your best to listen to your friend, gently give your honest feedback, and continue to give them space to share their feelings, the rest is up to them.
It can be difficult to tell a friend that you are concerned for their well-being because of the red flags in a relationship they are in. Remember to give yourself time and space to relax and unwind. It’s easy to doubt or scold yourself, especially when things haven’t gone the way you hoped. As long as you have done the necessary reflection and communication, and are motivated by caring and love, you don’t need to look for reasons why you are the problem. If you made a mistake anywhere along the way, you can always apologize. No one will be perfect in this situation – that’s to be expected. Treat yourself with the same kindness and care that you try to show your friend.
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